A real diary entry…behind the make-up…

When you lose a parent, you suddenly feel vulnerable, insecure, and exposed.  Nothing can close that gap in the safe circle of your family that was you, your mum and your dad.

I lost my Mum on Monday 23rd February 2015.  Most would say, “That was the worst day of my life,” and it was.  But as time moves on, there becomes a string of days that are all the worst day of your life.

I never knew that I could miss someone so much, or that I could feel such pain.  I’m not talking pain like a breakdown of a friendship/relationship, or an injury.  I’m talking deep soul crushing, heart stopping pain, which makes you physically sick.

We were in the hospital in a private room, Me, Mum & Dad.  Mum was in a coma like state and me and my Dad were each holding a hand…a soft, delicate, cold hand.  It was awful.  It felt like we were sat there, just waiting for her to die.  And you are, sat there waiting for her to die, because you become so desperate for her to no longer feel pain, or having to have unbearable procedures while concious, or to feel like she could look after herself without depending on other people.  She hated having to depend on other people.  My mum was always the one who helped others in any way that she could.  She was amazing!

As I write this, I am snuggled on Mums little sofa, wrapped up in her dressing gown and if I bury my face into it, I can still smell her.

That pain that I was talking about, well, the moment that she died, that pain was a physical pain.  I felt like my heart was trying to burst out of my chest, it was unbearable.  I really thought that something was wrong, but what it was, was heart break.  The first time that I had ever felt heart break.

I dream about her a lot, and I think about her every day.  Some days are difficult to get through.  She was my best friend.  We were always there for each other through all the difficult times in each others lives…including doctors/hospital appointments.  Never did we miss one together.

I’ll be honest.  I feel an immense loneliness now that she has gone.  I’m doing all of these things in life that she should be here for, that we would have done together, and I’m watching other people around me doing these things with their Mums, thinking “God, I hope that they realise how lucky they are.”  Even little things like going for a walk to the shop together for an ice-cream because the weather is lovely.

I’m getting married next year to the most wonderful man, who she would have loved so much.  And although it is exciting, it’s all really tough because she would have come wedding dress shopping with me, helped to pick the flowers, and cake tasting she would have been at the front go the queue for.  Every time we talk about the wedding, or are looking to choose something for the day, I am reminded that my Mum isn’t here to do it with me, and that is painful.

The anniversary of her death is coming up and I can’t help but feel alone.  I’m not sure what I’ll do.  I was thinking of organising a little event for her friends and my family to get together in the evening, but I don’t know.

I’ll come to a close now with one of Mums famous phrases… “If in doubt, do nowt!”

me n mum

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